Weekend Update 3/27

Looking for Pascha Track Suit Guy

As we move into the final week of Great Lent, we not only are getting ready for Holy Week and the Feast of Feasts, we are also preparing for the annual appearance of Pascha Track Suit Guy.

In Orthodox Land, Pascha Track Suit Guy has the same semi-mythical status as the Loch Ness Monster

or Sasquatch.

But he only shows up on the night of Easter, and you have to be really focused if you’re going to spot him, because he never stays long.
He lights a candle.

He shrugs his shoulders and shuffles his feet.

He scans the room while chewing his gum.

He smiles and winks at a cute girl, and he’s gone.

And that’s it. It’s an absolutely supreme moment of Totally Transcendent Tackiness that, truly, is not to be missed, but, if you’re going to get in on it, you have to know what to look for.

The Ultimate Guide

Because here’s the thing: Pascha Track Suit Guy is also like Santa.

On the night of Easter, he appears in every Orthodox parish on the planet.

No kidding.

Again, though, you have to be able to spot him, so here at Come See Something Beautiful we are providing our readers with the Ultimate Guide to Pascha Track Suit Guy.

And it all starts with that track suit.

But this isn’t just your run-of-the-mill, off-the-rack athleisure wear. No, Pascha Track Suit Guy always rocks a brand new, never before been worn, still kind of starchy and stiff, right out of the wrapper, custom zip-up jacket and sweat pants ensemble—and, yes, you can claim bonus points if the track suit still has the tags on it.

But the main thing here is the color, because Pascha Track Suit Guy does not do subtle. No, when he comes to your parish, he will be wearing fluorescent yellow or electric orange. Yes, he has been known to appear in a (very) bright white or a (very) metallic gold, but those sightings are just about always disputed.

So, bottom line: prepare to be blinded.

Then, there’s the jacket.

Yes, the jacket.

It will come at you in one of two ways: either the jacket will be unzipped enough to show some chest hair curled around a necklace that glares more than it gleams

or the jacket will be unzipped almost all the way to the waist to reveal a wife-beater T-shirt underneath said necklace.

And, of course, there are the shoes.

These can range anywhere from the Louis Vuitton Jasper

all the way to the Air Force 1 Lo VLONE

And, again, bonus points if at least one of the shoes still has a tag.

But what makes Pascha Track Suit Guy Pascha Track Suit Guy is The Shine. Which is almost a metaphysical concept, but, if you’ve ever seen The Shine, you’ll never forget it, because it is the light that reflects off the head of Pascha Track Suit Guy.

And his head functions as a solar panel for one of two reasons: It’s either because he has that much product in his hair

or because his bald head has more oil on it than the Exxon Valdez.

Note: There are groups who believe that the Pompadour Pascha Track Suit Guy is the form he takes in Mediterranean cultures and the Shaved Head Pascha Track Suit Guys is the Slavic version of the same phenomenon. Here at Come See Something Beautiful, we have no official position on this vexing question.

But there’s one more thing you need to know. Because if you’re sighting of Pascha Track Suit Guy is going to be official, you’ll need to keep your eyes on his hands.

That’s right, because after he lights his candle, if it really, actually, is Pascha Track Suit Guy, what he’s going to do is stick his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Then, while he’s looking around the room and chewing his gum (we have it on good authority that Pascha Track Suit Guy only chews DoubleMint), he will, at some point, take one of his hands out of the pocket and put a toothpick in his mouth.

And that will be the moment when you will know that you have an official, for-sure, bona-fide sighting of Pascha Track Suit Guy.

What Unites Us

Before he takes off, Pascha Track Suit Guy just about always smiles, winks, or even points at a young woman—and, of course, there are all those stories about how that brief encounter means the girl in question is going to fall in love during the coming year, but, c’mon—we all know that’s just an old wives’ tale.

Pascha Track Suit Guy is for real, though, and, when you get right down to it, he’s one of the truly tangible things that unites us here in Orthodox Land. I mean, say what you will about the Deposit of Faith and our Liturgical Heritage—the one thing all of us Jordanians and Russians and Lebanese and Serbs and Romanians and Greeks and Bulgarians and Syrians and Texans, for sure, have in common is that we all know that on the Night of Pascha he’s going to show up.

So, here’s to you, Pascha Track Suit Guy.

On Easter, we’ll make sure there’s a spot for you in the nave, not too far from the door.

If you’d like to get a glimpse of Pascha Track Suit Guy—and, more importantly, worship our Resurrected Lord and Master—you are welcome to join us at St John’s on Saturday night, April 11.

If you can’t make it to the Easter Service, you can support us by offering the Akathist for a New Temple along with us (PDF/video). You can upgrade your subscription to Paid, purchase some of our CSSB clothing, commission an image for the Calming Room of our temple, or make a donation directly to our Building Fund.

Now, don’t worry: even when we are in our new temple, Pascha Track Suit Guy will still be able to find us, so we’ll sign off with a little number just for him.